Carters pants are definitely on fire

My faults are many.
I dislike dogs. I eat instant noodles too much for supper. I never eat breakfast. I rarely exercise. I'm nervous around women. I'm scared of seniors. I'm terrified of babies. My credit rating is probably not impressive. I never change my car's oil on time. I crack my knuckles. I chew my fingernails. Every morning I stare into the mirror at my naked torso with both hatred and disgust. I drink far too much coffee. I occasionally fall off the cigarette wagon. I live like a college student at age 30. I swear too much. I watch too much TV. I've developed an emotional dependancy to Star Trek. I have a propensity to write long self-indulgent columns.
However, of all my most human characteristics, there is one for which I am not ashamed. I lie.
George Bernard Shaw once said, "The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."
The late Irish playwright probably meant this quotable whatnot to express the negative attributes of fibbing. However, I cannot imagine, nor would I want to live in, a world where everyone wasn't lying to each other.
Lying is a tool for existing in a world of flawed sentient beings forced to coexist amid temptation, high expectations and intolerance. It's true that, in a world such as this, some lies are quite painful and destructive, but those aren't really the sorts of lies I'm defending. I'm not trying to rewrite Exodus here.
As a general rule, it is good to heed the wisdom of the eighth (or, in some cases, ninth) commandment: "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." Indeed, it is hard to defend being dishonest when the result hurts another person (which is how I would interpret that biblical rule), but sometimes lying does quite the opposite.
For example, I'm certain I'm not the only person who pretends to like certain Christmas and/or birthday gifts that actually cause a sensation of vomit in my throat. I have received truly awful gifts, but I still pretend they're wonderful in front of the gift giver (I toss them in Dad's storage room forever shortly thereafter).
That's an example of how lying can spare someone else's feelings, which is usually preferable. I also think it's good to lie when the outcome of not lying would cause harm.
The classic hypothetical example to emphasize this notion involves a man hiding an innocent person in his house and a killer, aimed at murdering the hidden person comes and asks if the man is in fact harbouring the would-be victim. It's difficult to imagine there being much moral virtue to honesty in this scenario.
However, I can't so easily imagine situations in everyday life where it's OK to weigh the consequences of honesty when the only person to suffer from the truth is myself and death is not a factor. The only everyday situations where I ever do (white) lie for myself is when I'm avoiding punishment or am overcome by a moment of extreme selfishness and hope for some personnel gain.
However, even selfish lies can be sensible. There was this time when I had a girlfriend (I'm not lying - her name is Sarah Broemeling). I lied to her (for what I felt were just reasons) because I had failed to perform a trash-related task that she had nagged me to do for quite a while. When the situation resolved itself (it involved the apartment dumpster where we lived - any more details would require another column), I took credit for the resolving. I had nothing to do with it.
Was this immoral? It certainly avoided giving me pain.
I think such benign lying can be even more frivolous. While in the moment, I'll pretend to know something about some music group a friend of mine is talking about, just so I can keep the conversation flowing. Who doesn't do that though?
I think the great Hugh Laurie said it best: "Everybody lies." The key, I suppose, is most people learn what situations for which lying is appropriate and when to abstain from falsehoods.
One thing is for sure - in a world of pure honesty, at a minimum there would be a lot of unnecessarily hurt feelings. We need to trust people will be more careful than to always say what they think is the truth.
I should know what I'm talking about, too. I have three doctorates from MIT - all in fields directly related to the nature of lying.

Carter Haydu can be reached at 691-1265.