Who am I?
My friend and former Times-Herald sports reporter Taylor Lambert is currently on a most exciting expedition through the ancient and intriguing nation of India.
Part of me (the other part is jealous) is very happy to hear of his various adventures in this quintessential land where Westerners routinely “discover” themselves. It seems Asia is a discover-oneself factory for middle-class, English-speaking, metropolitan children of the baby-boomer generation.
I myself went through a brief Oriental self-discovery phase in the early-2000s. Who knew I’d be in a bowl of rice in some small coastal city in South Korea? Mind you, I’ve discovered myself many times before and since then and I reckon the definition of Carter Haydu will change many more times before I die.
Currently, I’m a newspaper reporter in Moose Jaw. This quaint little corner of semi-rural Saskatchewan seems to have attached itself to me like toothpaste splatters on a bathroom mirror. I like it here and, for the moment, I like to describe myself as an adopted Moose Javian.
However, journalism isn’t exactly a career for people who want to spend the rest of their lives in single communities. Over my past five years as a reporter, I’ve lived in six municipalities. Maybe it would be more accurate for me to describe myself as some sort of wandering wordsmith.
But it’s probable — and in fact inevitable — that one day my life as a professional writer will come to an end. Either the industry will have no more use for me, I’ll decide to pursue some other interest or I’ll become physically, economically or mentally unable to manage this career. At some point, the word “reporter” will no longer be part of who I am.
So, who am I?
It seems I can’t define myself by where I live or what I do, so perhaps I should define myself by character traits or beliefs. Unfortunately, my personal history has proven both to be impermanent.
As a youth, I was susceptible to the idea of a simple description of reality. There was God, he created the universe and it was good.
In my 20s, I seemed to revolt against this particular belief structure, replacing it with a certain nihilistic cynicism about everything. I watched Fight Club too many times, thought every institution was inherently unnatural and believed everything was relative and pointless.
As I get on in years, I’m not so full of negativity. Rather, I am genuinely interested in my surroundings and enjoy discovery. If I could do it all over again, I would have tried harder in school and become a scientist.
I’m also over my “I hate religion” phase. Although it’s true that if we live in a world insisting on labels, then “Atheist” would probably be the label that most accurately describes my spiritual beliefs, this label is not dogmatic so much as it is an intellectual understanding and is completely subject to change as I learn more throughout my life.
Therefore, I’m afraid I cannot, in good conscience at this time, define myself by my beliefs. Also, I certainly can’t define myself by my character traits. My personality has gone through more renovations than Madonna’s career. Every girlfriend, family death, job, tasty meal, memorable drive and moment in general seems to tweak me just a tad.
Life is such an unpredictable rollercoaster, filled with the most unexpected twists and turns. Another 10 years of circumstances could produce a Carter Haydu who defines himself as a Yukon yoga instructor, a homeless father of triplets, an actor in some Mumbai TV series, a 41-year-old university student, a radical fundamentalist Christian or a city hall reporter in Moose Jaw, Sask.
Exciting as life is, I’m afraid it doesn’t really contain anything that describes me with any permanency.
Well, I suppose one basic thing that might describe me is that I do currently exist, but even existence will pass and eventually I will be dead forever.
Does nothing matter then? Or, does everything matter extremely, as this life is all we have? Maybe I’m just saying this as the cautiously-optimistic Carter Haydu I consider myself to be at this particular moment, but I like to think both nothing and everything matter to some degree.
On the one hand, this life is a one-time, one-way trip and we need to cherish every moment for what it is, because it won’t come again. On the other hand, in 100 years there will be a whole new crop of people, so there’s no point fretting about some embarrassing incident that happened in Grade 9.
Regardless if it’s good or bad, nothing lasts forever. It’s like we are all a part of a fluid state that is constantly transforming and only takes hold in one particular form for the briefest of moments.
On a long enough time scale, everything changes and I can’t really imagine a current country, animal, mountain, idea or pop-cultural trend that will still be around in another trillion years. Carter Haydu (for now) is a part of this universe in constant flux. As much as I might occasionally think I’m really real, that reality is fleeting.
So, who am I? Apparently, according to this column, nothing.
But I could always change my mind.
