By the time this column goes to press, the Vancouver Olympic Winter Games will be basically over. I, for one, will miss CTV’s excellent coverage of this international event, but I’m also eager to get back to my normal TV-viewing existence.
For one thing, as much as I might enjoy the Olympics, it’s not something to which I necessarily relate. I’m an out-of-shape journalist on the wrong side of 30, who could no sooner speed skate 1,000 metres, accurately roll a rock down the curling sheet or run the double-luge course with Times-Herald sports reporter Jeff D’Andrea, than could pass a NASA psychiatric exam, build a nuclear fusion machine or bring everlasting peace to the Middle East.
The sports played at the Games are so beyond my abilities (and most people’s I might argue) that perhaps I’m not as inspired by the Olympics as might be some younger, less lethargic sorts.
That is why, along with the Summer and Winter Games, I suggest the Olympic Committee issue a third Games, in which anyone could reasonably expect to participate, presuming they’ve got the right stuff.
First of all, there would be physical requirements to participate in the new Games. People with keen reflexes, toned muscular bodies and low percentages of fat would have no place in this arena.
Secondly, the Games would be easy to understand and demanding of different physical and mental strengths than with the current Olympics.
Sociables would be the first sport. Each contestant, armed with a flat of cold beer, would compete in this card game of drunken champions. Playing freshman rules, the gold medal winner would be determined by who is able to go the longest without shouting, “Let’s go to the bar!”
Perhaps this is a sport more for the younger generation, but one of the games could consist of transcribing pages of biblical verse through text messaging, with extra points for every new acronym one creates that is easily deciphered by a panel of elderly judges.
Everything is about speed in our culture and the current Olympics, unfortunately, tend to glorify this unnecessary compulsion. That is why the third games in my Olympics would consist of a slow marathon. Basically, “runners” must complete a full marathon within a two-week period. Each runner must complete at least 20 per cent of the race without the assistance of a Segway or someone pushing him or her in a shopping cart.
The goal is, not to be the first racer across the finish line, but the last. The problem is that all “runners” are required to keep moving at all times throughout the race.
Perhaps the biggest sport in these games would be the Internet scavenger hunt. Without the use of Wikipedia, athletes would have to locate the most popular song from the most popular movie produced in a non-English speaking country, chosen at random, from the year 1971.
I guess the biggest drawback of these games would be trying to sell advertising, because chances are nobody wants to watch lazy people being lazy. I doubt the networks would be fighting for coverage of the no-hands Jell-O-eating contest.
Maybe in the true spirit of the Lethargic Olympics, I’ll just give up on the idea before giving it any more thought.
I think I’ll take a nap now.
Carter Haydu can be reached at 691-1265.
