No month is more commonly associated with entering into the eternal bondage of marriage than is June.
And as wedding fever hits the Friendly City faster than a pack of parched reporters to the reception toonie bar, I thought I would take a moment to answer that most ancient of questions surrounding this sacred tradition — What would comprise the ideal Star Trek wedding?
The very fact I’m writing this article likely means I will never actually star in a real-life human wedding. However, if could transport myself into Federation fantasy, then famous Vulcan T'Pau (who presided over the Koon-ut-kal-if-fee in which Spock tried to kill Kirk) would definitely officiate during the nuptials.
Believe me, it wasn’t easy to decide between her or Capt. Jean Luc Picard for this prestigious honour. However, in the end I decided not to get married on a starship and I’m fairly certain a captain’s authority to preside over weddings only extends as far as his or her vessel.
However, while I would want a Vulcan minister, that wouldn’t necessarily mean I would get married in the Vulcan tradition. As I prepare to begin my life with sexy green Orion Starfleet cadet Gaila from last year’s Star Trek reboot, I believe my bride and I would choose a ceremony emphasizing our love of the exotic.
Therefore, we would all get naked for a wholesome and traditional Betazoid ceremony.
I have strongly considered a Klingon wedding, but I am a relatively modest and passive individual, disinterested in conducting mock battle with my bride to be.
But there will be at least one strong Klingon element to my ideal Star Trek wedding — my best man Worf. Who better to have in my corner than the most perfect best friend, ready to kill any man where he stands if dare he object to my union.
Next to Worf (and we’re assuming every Star Trek character has been magically zapped to the same time period for this column) would be none other than Montgomery "Scotty" Scott from the original series.
Clearly, what better man to organize a truly out-of-this-world Star Trek bachelor party then Scotland’s greatest sci-fi son?
Personally, I’d prefer to just have two groomsmen at my ideal Star Trek wedding, but you know Orion girls. Gaila will probably have at least a dozen bridesmaids and if I don’t stock up my side, I could look a tad pathetic and leave her wondering why she agreed to marry me in the first place.
Therefore, I’ve decided to add The Doctor from Star Trek Voyager to my wedding party. He has that smart-alecky edge that could add some definite charm during the lengthy wedding holophoto session.
Also, it’s probably for the best to have a medical expert at a bachelor party planned by Scotty and featuring a drunken Klingon (not to mention that since The Doctor is a hologram, we have an automatic designated driver to and from Risa).
At the wedding reception (assuming it’s OK with Gaila) I believe both Kirk and Picard should share the masters of ceremony duties. They would have such a witty repartee, peppered with thoughtful comments and kindly speaker introductions, while poking gentle fun at Janeway.
Guinan and Quark would both operate the bar (no synthehol at this party — just the real thing) and Lt.-Cmndr. Geordi La Forge would be in charge of decorations.
I would also hire Odo (from Deep Space Nine) as security, which basically consists of his “escorting” a very intoxicated Dr. McCoy out of the reception hall near the end of the night.
No doubt, my loyal readers have probably noticed a lack of Star Trek Enterprise characters at my ideal Star Trek wedding. This is not entirely unintentional. The fact is that in my Star Trek fantasyland, clearly I would have had some romantic history with T’Pol and any involvement with her crew since that relationship abruptly ended would be just awkward for all involved.
Well that’s it for my ideal Star Trek wedding column. Stay tuned for future columns on my ideal Star Trek birthday party, funeral, brisk and Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day.
My wish to all you boldly going down that matrimonial aisle is that you live long and prosper.
