Ah, cults. Can’t live with them, and if you’re Tom Cruise, can’t live without them.
Throughout history, we humans, the most intelligent species — as determined by humans — have devised a number of sadistic groups bent on world domination: Scientologists, the KKK, Jim Jones’ Kool-Aid gang, and, most recently, (Justin) Bieber Fever.
But if there is ever a cult bound for total success it is the one omnipresent around us — Saskatchewan Roughrider fandom.
Being a sports fan nowadays is much easier than it was a generation ago. With specialty channels, the Internet, fantasy sports and the explosion of the sports merchandise industry, it is incredibly simple to be a casual fan and possible to be a megafan, aware of your beloved team’s increase in small soda price from $8 to $10.50 within seconds of the decision.
But few fan bases, if any, can match the devotion and occasional craziness ascribed to Roughrider partisans. Just ask Paul McCallum, who probably still is enjoying dynamite gardens from all the manure dumped on his driveway after a missed kick back in 2004.
And this year, Saskatchewanians are going further than ever for the Jolly Green Giants. The Riderville competition has entire communities decking themselves in Rider paraphernalia, the Fantuz Flakes cereal sold out almost immediately across the province, and, as I realized the other day as vehicles were speeding by me on the highway, plenty of people spent $50 to get the Roughrider license plates rather than, you know, getting a two-dollar sticker to put on their bumper.
With the most recent developments in mind, I’m here to look into the crystal ball and map out the future 20 years for the Riders and their fans. (Accuracy guaranteed to 13.13 per cent).
2012: Fearing the end of the world as foretold by the Mayan calendar, Saskatchewanians flock to the brand-new, domed stadium in search of protection. An impromptu scrimmage breaks out, but is stopped after the first 13 plays all result in too many men penalties.
2014: Green is the Colour replaces O Canada, becoming the province’s official anthem, sung in schools and at the beginning of all sporting events. A small segment of the population breaks away, claiming Rider Pride as the true Rider mantra. One person votes for Paint the Whole World Green. He is laughed out of Saskatchewan.
2016: Provincial police investigate all canola farmers, believing they may be Edmonton Eskimo sympathizers. New legislation bans the yellow crop, and decrees that all producers plant only watermelons.
2017: The year’s hottest Christmas present is a Gainer the Gopher costume. Due to the sudden influx of gophers in the province, the government declares a bounty on the rodents. Civil war breaks out, with The Last Saskatchewan Pirates ultimately emerging victorious.
2019: In celebration of the 100 year anniversary of Piffles Taylor’s playing for the Riders, a law is passed calling on all boys born in the province to be named Piffles. Not coincidentally, the rest of the country asks Saskatchewan to separate from Canada.
2020: A wildly popular satirical pantomime opens on Broadway telling the story of how a sports team becomes so big that it successfully obtains the trademark for the place name attached to it. Later in the year, the Roughriders buy the rights to ‘Saskatchewan’ for $13,013.13. The province chooses Lancasteria as its new name.
2023: With Lancasteria booming, thanks in large part to Weyburn’s burgeoning curling museum industry and golf tourism in Ogema, Albertans flock to the province in droves. Calgary becomes a ghost town and the Stampeders become the sixth CFL team to fold in the last decade.
2030: In keeping with the tradition of winning only one Grey Cup every generation, the Saskatchewan Roughriders beat the Montreal Alouettes 13-12 in the final. After losing the last six championships on too many men penalties on the last play of the game, the Riders employ only a 12-man roster for the Grey Cup to ensure the mistake doesn’t happen again. The players are exhausted by the fourth quarter and can hardly move, but they still win when Paul McCallum Jr. misses 13 18-yard field goals in the final stanza.
Myles Fish can be reached at 691-1263.
