Of all the promises I have broken over the years, one has been repeated time and time again.
“Yes, I will clean my room today.”
Parents and siblings alike have bombarded me with cleanup requests roughly 500 times in my life, with a success rate to rival Green Party popular vote percentages. It’s that bad.
As much as the neglected task can be attributed to laziness and having better things to do (ie. watching the Soup Nazi Seinfeld episode for the 24th time), there is also some principle in the decision. To me, chests of drawers are a most counter-productive invention; it’s much quicker to peel the chosen shirt of the day off of the floor than to have to rifle through drawers for it.
But, perhaps due to my advanced age, I seemed to forget my past a few weekends ago when I solemnly pledged to spend my Saturday tackling the tornado that tore through my room: “I mean it this time,” I even added.
Well, as you may guess, those Grade 12 English notes are still scattered across my desk, under four layers of clothes, two-foot stacks of newspapers and a suitcase from March to be unpacked.
The current excuse du jour is a new one though. And really, I cannot be blamed for my inaction, judging by the procrastinatory device’s mission statement: “We actively and methodically search out new and innovative ways to prevent our users from getting any work done whatsoever.”
The above is the motto of trivia quiz website Sporcle. A truer statement I’ve read only once, Dan Quayle’s “The future will be better tomorrow.”
Since discovering the site one-and-a-half weeks ago, not only have I neglected taking the vacuum to my room, but also going to that place where I used to spend time — oh right, outdoors.
The site truly is a utopia for professional procrastinators. With over 100,000 games to play, hours upon hours can be spent guessing answers within the time limits, all while learning some interesting and important facts and letting mould grow on unwashed dishes.
There are challenges to name all of the countries in the world in 15 minutes, to identify the most prevalent countries of origin of Canada’s foreign-born population and the top beer consuming countries. And that only covers the geography category, there are 14 other sections, from religion and language to literature and movies. Get on the site and you will never again feel the need to concern yourself with physical activity, or human interaction.
What’s more, you can create your own quizzes. So do not be surprised if “Most suggested baby names for Lyndsay in the Times-Herald newsroom” shows up soon (hint: Gida and Torborg are the top two).
I am also anxiously waiting for a “Great moments in prime ministerial history” option, to which we can add the time on Stephen Harper’s northern Canada tour when his programming went berserk, allowing him to speed off rebelliously on an ATV and throw out his arms and legs in what some will regard as dancing, others as uncontrollable spasms. But hey, for a guy whose greatest prior contribution was an unblemished four-year streak of persiflage with opposition leaders, perhaps scaring a few children during the Macarena is not so bad.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must go guess world pig populations. Do not worry, I will be sure to count the one currently living in my room.
Myles Fish can be reached at 691-1263.
