Being a vampire would suck!

Carter Haydu
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If I brush my teeth too hard and a spit out even a trace of bloody toothpaste into the bathroom sink, I start feeling queasy. The very sight of red blood plasma is enough to send me into fits of being totally grossed out.

Needless to say, I wouldn’t make a very good vampire. However, I have often contemplated just how I would do if I unwittingly found myself pale and bloodthirsty.

I imagine the need to drink blood would become the least of my worries fairly quickly. Unfortunately, my job entails long daylight hour days out in the community, and if even a touch of sunlight is going to turn my flesh to ash, I might have to contemplate a new career more conducive to vampirism.

If that isn’t disruptive enough to my life, I would have to give up one of my favourite vegetables. Imagine what hell it would be, forced to make a gorgeous pot of homemade vegetable soup, but having to leave out the garlic. Why it’s almost not worth making vegetable soup at all.

But back on the topic of what I would do for a living, I guess … I don’t know, night watchman, maybe. However, the prospect of some delay in traffic resulting in my not making it home in time for coffin protection is just too ridiculous. Probably my only option is to, sigh, go home and live in the safety and comfort of Dad’s basement on the farm near Paradise Valley, Alta.

And so, my life would undoubtedly consist of spending copious amounts of time in the dark recesses of my childhood home with tinfoil covering the windows, watching Days of Our Lives and totally dependant on Dad to take care of me as I restlessly await nightfall. It’s funny really. I would probably be the first nerd vampire in history.

The whole blood issue would undoubtedly become that annoying thing with which I must grapple every day. Hopefully, vampires can consist without human blood specifically. If that’s the case, I guess Dad could set up gopher traps or something, although that seems quite unpleasant as well. I’ll admit this freely — I do not wish to drink warm blood from a living creature. It’s disgusting!

Of course, my little arrangement with Dick Haydu is only going to last so long. He is, after all, a 60-something-year-old man and I am doomed to eternal youth as the unholy undead. At some point, I’m probably going to have to find other arrangements.

I guess, through the power of the Internet, it should be feasible to contact other vampires. I’m assuming if I’ve been turned, there must be others. Perhaps there is a community of vampires who migrate between the north and south poles, so as to try and enjoy 24-hour darkness as much as possible throughout the year.

But probably not, as any travel is just too risky for those deathly and immediately allergic to even the briefest exposure to ultraviolet radiation.

Maybe some eccentric billionaire vampire has set up a domed vampire city deep under the sea, where natural sunlight cannot penetrate. How do I find such characters from a computer in Dad’s basement anyway? He still uses dialup Internet connection for goodness sake!

When one thinks about it, the whole vampire scenario is totally impractical. I suppose I can understand a bit why Hollywood dips into that idea pool time and time again, but at some point I stop understanding the appeal.

I like movies to which I can relate, at least a little bit. I like to walk out of a theatre and imagine I too can become Batman. However, when one does the math on vampires, I just can’t envision how one cursed with this disorder could actually sustain him or herself for any significant length of time. When one thinks about it, the notion that any vampire could exist for countless decades is absurd. At some point he or she will accidently walk past a UV light and explode into flames. At some point, everybody gets a little Holy water spilt on their clothes. How could a vampire possibly survive in a world where such mundane “threats” result in his or her destruction?

I guess, maybe, that’s why one doesn’t see too vampires around. That, or they’re just make believe.


Carter Haydu can be reached at 691-1265.

Geographic location: Paradise Valley, Hollywood

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